Thursday, July 7, 2011

If You Show an Agent a Contract...

I wrote a little diddy the other day, punch-drunk from exhaustion as I dealt with one crisis after another (aside from wedding planning - 2 months away!! - I had a death in the family AND moved, so yes, I did disappear for a while, and yes, I did spend part of my time writing a ridiculous little poem). Just a little fun to highlight some of my adventures as an agent.


If you tell an agent about a contract…
She’s gonna want to see it.
And if you show the agent the contract
She’s gonna want to negotiate better terms.
And if she negotiates better terms
She’s gonna want 15%
And if you give her 15%
She’s gonna want you to sign an agreement
And if you sign an agency agreement
She’s gonna want to see your next book
And if you show her your next book
She’s gonna want to do some revisions
And if you revise for her
She’s gonna want to sell it
And if she sells it
She’s gonna need a good advance
and in order to get a good advance
She’s gonna need to kick negotiation booty
And to kick negotiation booty
She’s gonna need to have some leverage
And to have some leverage
She’ll have to have sent it to other editors who want it
And if other editors want it
She’s gonna need some coffee
And if she gets some coffee
She’s gonna need a muffin
And in order to get the muffin
She’s gonna need some money
And to get some money
She needs to close the deal
And in order to close the deal
She needs to have an auction
Except someone wants a pre-empt
-where’s the damn coffee???


  1. This poem made me smile, thanks for writing it.

    My sympathies with you and your family.

  2. *Laughing* That's awesome. Love it! <3

  3. :) lol, this made me laugh. Cute poem!

  4. ROFLMAO. That is utterly, epically priceless!

    Totally copied and pasted it into a document (crediting you as author) which I then saved in the folder marked 'When You're Prepared to Run Screaming off a Cliff in a Fit of Writer-Trying-To-Get-Published Frustration, Read this Stuff and You'll Feel Better' :)

    Thanks for sharing! Good luck with the wedding planning - hope you're keeping everything in a big binder (like an agent needs advice on organization) - yay for getting moved (condolences on having to unpack) and I'm sorry to hear about the death in your family, thoughts are with you.

  5. Sometimes, especially in the middle of life's insanities, we need to take a little mental break and do something fun. This was definitely fun :)

    Condolences on your loss, good luck with the unpacking (remember, if it's still in a box after a year, you probably didn't need it anyway), and keep the wedding planning as fun as possible. Perhaps you should write a diddy about it? :)

  6. Ha, loved this! *If You Give a Mouse a Muffin* was one of my favorites when I was little. (:

    Praying for you and your family about your loss.

  7. Well that kicked my day off with a smile! Thanks.

  8. Haha!!! Now I can keep going--perfect afternoon pick-me-up :)

  9. Ha, I like this poem. It's good insight into an agent's life.
    So, if you show an agent a contract, she'll really need a cup of coffee.

  10. *grins* That is such a cool poem. And scarily accurate too, I suspect! Hope all went well with the move, and my sympathies to you and your family.


  11. Now this is made of awesome. The first thing I thought when reading it was it's very 'If you Give a Mouse a Cookie' which lead me to the piece I wrote 'If You Give a Writer an Idea'.

  12. I work in a preschool and I just read "If You Give a Pig a Party" to my group of 4 year olds yesterday. This made me giggle! :)

  13. I love the end. Giggled so much that I had to share it with the hubby. Thanks for posting this. It's really good! :)

  14. Oh, this is priceless! I love it. I think I'll go back and read it again, it's so good!!

  15. You paint such a complete word picture here.

    beautiful creative work!

    Take care

  16. I love this!! It's like "If you give a mouse a cookie," but for grown ups! Very cute!